bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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