we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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