i think i have two assholes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
