1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
