she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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