Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
