life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
