I wish my penis had an off switch
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize