Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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