i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
