Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
