I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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