The maid of honor just puked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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