I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
