These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
