Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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