Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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