i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
