I wish my penis had an off switch
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
