So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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