I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
