he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize