apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize