Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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