so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
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