This dress was meant to end up on your floor
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
