Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize