you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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