we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
