accomplished twins. life is a go
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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