I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
