But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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