I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
