either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
