A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
