I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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