I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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