I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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