Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
