Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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