So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
