can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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