Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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