I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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