ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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