Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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