Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
