You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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