Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
