chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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