there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
