I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
