just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
