Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
