I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
