I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
