your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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