Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
