Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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