Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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