too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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