i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
