to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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